It's been 1 year

As the one year anniversary of loosing my father approaches, I have a ton I want to share with him. Here is a glimpse...

Dear dad- I miss you everyday. It's still surreal that I will never see you again. I still struggle knowing I lost, my biggest fan, and cheerleader. Before you died, you knew I was in the midst of a real hard time at life.  First, I want you to know- I'm safe. I'm ok. Moving slow, as we both did, fearful of being mean, as you know all to well, and a big empathetic heart - has held me paralyzed for long periods of time. It's been such a complete learning process. A test of true strength and confidence. I'm getting there. I know you only wanted happiness for me as before you died you made sure I knew that. I Hope your smiling down at me now, seeing the light in my eyes, the skip in my step and the genuine beat Of my heart. I just Wish you could be a part of the rest of the story that I'm about to write.

You were an amazing man. At your funeral students from way back came to tell us what an impact you had on their lives. They had you for a teacher for only a year. I was the lucky one to have you as a teacher for 37.

 I'm still an athlete, you would be proud. I'm coaching and teaching now. I get to share what has made me successful.  I just get it and more importantly it makes me happy. I love seeing others find confidence in things they thought they never could do. More importantly, Nothing better than helping to bring smiles to faces and creating belief in self. I share this...because you get it, as you were the same person.

 Cash asks about you all the time. "Is poppy in heaven? When will we see him again?" And I speak the typical response ... "Yeah, he is up there watching over us". But honestly, I question daily whether or not there is such a thing. I sure hope I get to see you again, but a big part of me believes, that sadly, it will never happen.

 We are opening the cottage soon- your favorite place on earth (besides being in the presence of mom). Kids can't wait to go, neither can I. I'll teach Cash to shoot at targets this year and how to fish. Heather still holds your ashes to be spread in the lake. This year we will set you free up there.

 I still hold hope that your watching over us and that someday I'll see you again. But, I look for signs from you and havent noticed one. Sometimes I think people make that stuff up to feel better. If your there, let me know somehow, please. It really sucks to think you're gone forever.

 Holding out hope your around ... I ask this of you - Please give me courage to create the life that I so deserve... Please give me the strength to walk away from relationships that don't serve me... and please give me wisdom to make the right decisions. And most importantly, watch over little Brynn and Cash- they are the real unlucky ones.. They never really got to know and enjoy you.

 2015 was by far the hardest year of my life. It has taught me that no matter what, I'll be ok.  I miss you, dad. I love you, dad- It's just not the same without you.


That little boy loves you

If you're there.. watch over us... ok, Poppy?

 

Don't be a GIRL

An open letter to WOMEN everywhere.. Don't be a GIRL..

Please don't be that GIRL that plays cool. Plays innocent, plays naive.   But secretly has demons. Jealous demons, that attack when in need of an ego boost. Listen, if your jealous. Fix it. Go after what if is you want from her, don't attack her becUase you want what she has. Work, and work hard. And fuck you. Fuck. You.  

Listen WOMEN. Stand alone. Stand for what you are, even if that means outliving judgement, jealousy and an evil eye.  Open your eyes and be proud. Say fuck you when you need to and dance. Dance like no one is watching . Let you hips go your voice explode and your creativity be expressed. You could learn alot about yourself.

WOMEN can Walk away- walk away from stuff that may seem appealing but ultimately holds them  back. GIRLS can't.

Don't settle for a love less than amazing.  One where you are 100% you. Not afraid of anything. A true PARTNER. One who kisses your forhead, one you looks you so deeply in the eyes they know when something is wrong before you- one who helps, and helps for the right reasons. One you thinks of you first. One who makes your life easier.  WOMEN have the courage to search for this. GIRLS settle. 

WOMEN Strive for real. GIRlS for show. Think about that. strive for real- It's hard to do. Release the views of the people around you and pave your own path. With a foundation of kindness, Love and passion. 

WOMEN Start a revolutions.. GIRLS follow the cult.

Don't be a GIRL. Don't be the one who is willing to knock others down to make yourself feel better. Your not the perfect mom, you dont have the perfect kids, nor the perfect body, house or life- no one does. Have the courage  to acknowledge your insecurities, recognize jealousy and search for  happiness and peace from within.  Don't break down others to fill those voids and make yourself feel better

"You can tell who the strong women are , they are the ones building each other up instead of tearing each other down."

GIRLS compete with each other, WOMEN empower one another. 

It's time to be WOMEN.

My Fathers Eulogy

I promise for all of you that were at my sisters wedding... this speech will be better.. 

My father had to much of an impact on my life not to speak of him at this point- the problem I ran into was - how can this be done in a way that does him justice?!  So much I could say, so many thoughts to organize... Then it came to me- one of the saddest things about his death.. is that my young children will never get to know the man, the father that has positively impacted so many and that has made me who I am today. So i have decided to eulogize my father, in the form of a letter to my children. They need to know about this amazing man that they will be missing  out on.

Dear-

Brynn & Cash,

You're to young to really understand this, however, someday you will. Poppy went to heaven today- to soon. You see, you guys never really got to know poppy, only for a short while.. mommy doesn't think thats fair, So I want to tell you about him with  hopes his spirit will live on in you both.

He was a a teacher, by profession and in life. 

Poppy was patient. He taught mommy how to fish  along with the rest of the cousins and friends that spent weeks up at our cottage.  He would take us in a small boat and patiently help us fish rigging lines and Untangeling messes all so we could catch 100 little perch and sunfish. He didn't care as long as we were smiling.

Poppy was kind. He  never missed a soccer game of mine. He was always on the sideline cheering louder than any other person- and it was nothing but encouraging words. You see..  poppy loved to make others feel good - he was always trying to do silly things to make people laugh. He contributed to others happiness- Poppy knew the true meaning of life. 

Poppy was selfless and he new how to love. When I was a little girl he tucked me into bed and kissed me every night. As I got older he never hung up the phone without telling me "I love you". His love for mommy and aunt Heather was unconditional and real but it was his love for Nonny that set him apart. He didn't care care where he was or what he was doing As long as he was with nonny and making her happy. - that genuinely made him happy.

Poppy didn't care whether someone was white black purple green, rich poor kind or Mean. He found and believed in the good of all people. He could talk and make friends with anyone and often leaving that "anyone" walking away with a smile. 

Poppy was gentle. He loved animals and the outdoors. His kind heart wouldn't even allow us to kill a spider. Where it would take seconds to kill the spiders he would often take the time to catch it and release it outside. He literally couldn't  and wouldn't even hurt a fly.

I could go on forever about poppy, but we dont have forever. What I want you to know is he loved you both. He wanted to teach you everything he taught mommy. Although he isn't physically here he will always be with you watching over you.

Sooo..  When you catch that big fish, know- he had a part, when you hit that homerun,- know he is your loudest, proudest biggest fan. When mommy and daddy tuck you into bed and kiss and hug you, know he is whispering - "I love you". When your out catching frogs, crayfish and bugs, know he is there - playing with you.

My little ones ..if there is one important lesson to take from Poppys time here, it is to - simply be kind..to everyone and anyone. 

For ..

"If you contribute to other people's happiness, you will find the true meaning, the true goal in life."- Dalai Lama

Poppy achieved that goal. And he achieved it With his whole heart.

What do you see?

What do you see?

In a world where everyone is trying to hold us back, we flourish.

We are strong, with solid roots

We know how to grow, when everything around us has given up.

Amidst those who are content to except defeat, we find a way to win.

When they told us it was impossible, we proved them wrong.

We bring light and energy. 

We give hope when there is nothing.

When everyone is telling us no. We say yes.

When the world is frowning, we find a way to smile.

We add life.
We are watched carefully, those around us want some purple too.

We don't need others to dictate our success. 

We motivate, inspire and provide reason.

We continue to Flourish even though our journey isn't as easy as others assume it is.

It is a gift that we were given.

Lets add a little purple to everyone's lives. 

This is our purpose.

Are you the rocks? Or are you the Tree?

What do you see?

When I look at this picture,  I see.....

Me.

Just a Lava Lamp?

It starts not moving.. sessile.

A light strikes it and warms the young, and inexperienced to rise... 

As it warms it jells-- 
Jells into what seems to be a strong, resilient relationship.

But it is immature, naive and so new..

Things change as time move on-

What once was one,  is now two.

They have each gone their separate ways--
 Running into each other, but never again becoming one.

Then..

The light is turned off . 

They finally merge to where they belong... together.

For they have been trapped in the same world 
with the same dreams, feelings and passions 
only to finally find themselves together...
When the light is gone.

Show, not Tell

It is not  "telling" your children  but "showing" them. Lead by example. Live out truthfully what values are important to you, by how you are with your children, yourself and others. The irony of it all is, we  are asking our children to act, do, be the 'right' way.. If we look back at  ourselves, we aren't doing it the 'right' way either.  Raising children, to me,  is life's greatest challenge...  if you want to do a good job.  Its being on top of your game all the time. In all areas.   Its hard to have it all put together.

Show them kindnesss, by being kind to them, being kind to yourself and being kind to others.

Show them empathy by crying alongside them.

Show them forgiveness by forgiving them, by being forgiving of yourself and forgiving to others.  

Play with them. Follow their creative minds on whatever journey they take you on.

Show them they are valued, by making time for them, never ignoring them, being a friend to them, being humble with them and always helping them.

Show them that rules are important, but are meant to be broken once in a while.
Show them truth, by being honest to them, honest with yourself and honest with others.

Give them childhood memories, that when they reflect back to, they smile.

Show them independence and teach them its value. " Independence is Happiness"
Show them how to listen, by listening to them, listening to yourself and listening to others

Show them that their insides are beautiful too, by letting them see you accentuating and respecting your insides.

Help them find what makes them happy, don't push your dreams and goals on them.

Show them confidence but not arrogance.

Show them patience by being with patient with them, patient with yourself and patient with others.

Show them no one is perfect, by being honest and open about your own imperfections.

Teach them to listen to their intuition.

Show them hard work, by example.

Show them that loosing makes you stronger, afterall, its how we learn some of our biggest lessons.

Show them that vulnerability is powerful.

Watch them sleep once in a while. Appreciate every little breath they take.

and if all else fails...  All we need to do is..

LOVE them unconditionally, with every ounce of our heart. 

It's probably the hardest challenge I have ever taken part in.  And I think I am falling behind the pack. Its time to pick up the pace.  My kids are a reflection of me, in a way. I don't want to fail them with my laziness, selfishness, or lack of focus.
Our own faults shine bright while raising our kids. We need to take this time to work on things ourselves.  We should never stop striving to be better people and what better chance then when we have the eyes of a young child watching our every step. 

Road Trip of Life

The sad part is, when it comes down to it, in the end.. it's you alone on this journey called LIFE.

Imagine your life as a big cross country trip. Each state representing a different point in your life. Learning a little from what each "state" has to offer.

You have to Choose your method of transportation. Will you choose a small convertible with room for few? Or a large RV with room for many?

Along this journey of life you may choose to have a single passenger to ride the whole way or you may have a bunch of people that come and go or maybe a little of both. Nothing and no one is a guarantee.

Remember your in the drivers seat. You maintain control over everything YOU. You choose the roads, you choose the stops. You choose the passengers. You choose whether to follow the speed limit. You choose your destination.

"You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say. "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, You're too smart to go down any not-so-good street"- Dr. Suess

Your passengers are important. Do you want one constant passenger to share the entire trip with? Or do you want a lot of passengers. Pick them up and drop them off at different points. Remember, no matter your decision there is a lot to learn from each person that rides along with you. They hopped in that vehicle for a reason. Whether they talked non stop, or they sat there quietly staring out the window, Each and every person has helped to make your journey complete. As your journey progresses, you will become wiser about who you bring along. No more hitchhikers that just needed a ride and that 20$ in your wallet. No more people that try to kick you out of the drivers seat. Some passengers can be such a distraction that accidents can occur. Learn from this. Hop back in that drivers seat and drive with more awareness and confidence.

"Im sorry to say so but, sadly its true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch" - Dr. Suess

Whether your journey lands you in the mountains or the desert, make it a journey to remember, bringing along the right passengers that make you a better driver. Stay in the drivers seat, only relinquish that control for small periods of time to the passengers you trust the most.

No one ever said it was an easy ride.

Enjoy this journey. Don't just Look at everything out the window. Stop and FEEL the ocean breeze. Stop to HEAR the laughter of life going on around you. Stop in the mountains to SEE the stars your so much closer to. Stop and TASTE the fine food and drink that surround you. "Stop to SMELL the roses"... and Stop to take TIME for the things important to you.

Get off the highway. Venture down those roads less traveled. Get lost. It may be scary and filled with uncertainty, but there are places and people that can help. You won't be lost for long and it may be the best thing to happen to you.

You started this journey alone and you will end it alone. It's what you do in the middle that matters.

Drive safely.