It's been 1 year

As the one year anniversary of loosing my father approaches, I have a ton I want to share with him. Here is a glimpse...

Dear dad- I miss you everyday. It's still surreal that I will never see you again. I still struggle knowing I lost, my biggest fan, and cheerleader. Before you died, you knew I was in the midst of a real hard time at life.  First, I want you to know- I'm safe. I'm ok. Moving slow, as we both did, fearful of being mean, as you know all to well, and a big empathetic heart - has held me paralyzed for long periods of time. It's been such a complete learning process. A test of true strength and confidence. I'm getting there. I know you only wanted happiness for me as before you died you made sure I knew that. I Hope your smiling down at me now, seeing the light in my eyes, the skip in my step and the genuine beat Of my heart. I just Wish you could be a part of the rest of the story that I'm about to write.

You were an amazing man. At your funeral students from way back came to tell us what an impact you had on their lives. They had you for a teacher for only a year. I was the lucky one to have you as a teacher for 37.

 I'm still an athlete, you would be proud. I'm coaching and teaching now. I get to share what has made me successful.  I just get it and more importantly it makes me happy. I love seeing others find confidence in things they thought they never could do. More importantly, Nothing better than helping to bring smiles to faces and creating belief in self. I share this...because you get it, as you were the same person.

 Cash asks about you all the time. "Is poppy in heaven? When will we see him again?" And I speak the typical response ... "Yeah, he is up there watching over us". But honestly, I question daily whether or not there is such a thing. I sure hope I get to see you again, but a big part of me believes, that sadly, it will never happen.

 We are opening the cottage soon- your favorite place on earth (besides being in the presence of mom). Kids can't wait to go, neither can I. I'll teach Cash to shoot at targets this year and how to fish. Heather still holds your ashes to be spread in the lake. This year we will set you free up there.

 I still hold hope that your watching over us and that someday I'll see you again. But, I look for signs from you and havent noticed one. Sometimes I think people make that stuff up to feel better. If your there, let me know somehow, please. It really sucks to think you're gone forever.

 Holding out hope your around ... I ask this of you - Please give me courage to create the life that I so deserve... Please give me the strength to walk away from relationships that don't serve me... and please give me wisdom to make the right decisions. And most importantly, watch over little Brynn and Cash- they are the real unlucky ones.. They never really got to know and enjoy you.

 2015 was by far the hardest year of my life. It has taught me that no matter what, I'll be ok.  I miss you, dad. I love you, dad- It's just not the same without you.


That little boy loves you

If you're there.. watch over us... ok, Poppy?